I Miss Everything I’ll Never Be: Musings on Being a Rock Star

TW: Mentions sexual abuse allegations against certain rock stars

Originally published at https://www.splicetoday.com.

I still dream about being a rock star, despite being 38 and having no musical talent. I walk onstage with a guitar in hand, a row of effects pedals on the floor, and a crowd of adoring fans screaming out my name. For the next hour or so, I unleash every ounce of rage, sadness, and yearning buried inside through songs to which the audience knows every lyric. As the last song ends, I smash my guitar to bits, throw the remnants to the audience, and walk offstage with feedback reverberating at full volume throughout the venue.

Trying to learn how to play guitar at 16 squashed all my rock star aspirations. I bought a $200 Ibanez/small amp combo package and started taking lessons in the hopes of being able to shred like Billy Corgan overnight. It didn’t happen; I couldn’t switch chords without pausing and delicately putting every finger on the right fret, tune the guitar right, or get the amp to sound like Corgan’s guitar on Siamese Dream. (I eventually learned I need a Marshall stack, hundreds of distortion pedals, and 40 overdubbed guitar tracks to get that sound.) Four years later, I sold my gear at a yard sale for $100.